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On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's
the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how . . .?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But it's "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not
turn upside down." (Too Late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
heating." (As night follows the day . . .)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot
to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get
those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would
hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
only." (As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news
flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet,
eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does
not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents
for this one.)
On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
or genitals." (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?
....My God!)