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An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded
by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon
surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick
up that stone at your feet and bash in
the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above
the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking
at 100 angry natives... The voice booms out again, "Okay ..... NOW
you're screwed."
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey,
I got this great Polish Joke..." The
barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before
you go telling that joke you better know that
I'm Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers"
"Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very
slowly."
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm
80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren.
Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home
and I made love to both of them. Twice." The
priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So
then, why are you telling me?" "Father, I'm telling everybody."
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along
and hit the door, ripping it off
completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining
bitterly about the damage to his
precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!",
he whined. "You lawyers are so
materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer. "You're so
worried about your stupid BMW, that you
didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check,
he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and
tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer
with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some
asshole's got my pen!"
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks
an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a
couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and
rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest
suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,'
and 'how did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest
says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee
and saying 'No shit! What happened next?'
Moses, Jesus and some old guy are playing golf together. They come to
a par three with a beautiful lake
guarding the green.
Moses tees up and smacks one right into the lake. He raises his arms,
parts the lake, finds his ball and hits it
onto the green.
Jesus tees off next and hits it into the lake. He walks across the
water, his ball floats up to the surface of the
lake, and he hits it onto the green.
Next up is the old geezer. Smacks his ball right towards the lake,
but as its going in, a fish jumps up and snags
the ball just as a pelican swoops down and snags the fish. A bolt of
lightning hits the pelican who drops the fish
onto the green and the ball falls into the hole.
Jesus looks over at the old man and says "Bloody hell, Dad, can't you
play golf like everyone else?"